I was born a child

I was born a child, did not stay that way for too long. Moving between object and pawn, pacifier and supplicant. Responsibility became my attribute, those who loved me, needed me, abused me. Taking care of those who loved me a daily experience, love became a bartered thing, a tarnished coin, earned through suffering and patience.

I became an adult early, responsible for other’s lives, hardly mine. My needs ignored, driven by the determination to break the cycle. I would be the mother I never had to my children, they would never doubt my love.

Those who are abused it is said become abusers, I fought to make this a lie. Sadly we make different mistakes. I did not abuse my children but I was a burden, a weight they carried. Delicate, troubled they nevertheless loved me but I wish I had been boring for them.

It was I who closed her voice, I who disregarded her. Hard though it is to know that fact, there is peace in acceptance. Combining who I have been for so long with who I am becoming, now I hear her voice and acknowledge her, is terrifying but exhilarating.

But I wish I could give that child her life back, I wish I could give her what all children need. That time is gone but I can try to give her comfort now. I rage against those who took her childhood from her, I speak out now, I listen to her voice now, I tell the world now

Life is like a roller coaster

Life is like a roller coaster, one day up and one day down. Just when you think you know where you are going and how you are getting there, all change. Many of us do not handle change well, we like to stick to the path. But such pleasures and opportunities can wait for us on the less well travelled path. Take a detour for a moment and consider a different direction, perhaps it is "meant" that you should go this way after all. Sometimes it feels as if the world is conspiring to make you change your mind, accidents will happen, sometimes fortuitously. In a sense, if we believe in pre-destination, there are no accidents, it is all "meant" to be. So enjoy and learn from all life's detours.

I am delicate at the moment, I admit it.

I am delicate at the moment, I admit it. I am feeling sensitive and troubled. It's nothing major, I know that. Trying to be positive, need to make more time to daydream. Got to get a routine established and begin working.  Got to help myself. What do I want right now? I want to feel like I did a few days ago, when the world was floating along cajoling me along with it. When everything in my world was right and as it should be. Now I feel scared, I know that it is just the emotional child feeling vulnerable, she feels I am silencing her again. Communication has always been my skill and my biggest challenge. When I was a child I denied my self a voice. I kept it all inside in the place where I lived. As an adult I have been a communicator, a teacher and fought to give people a voice. I have treated the world and his dog as I should have treated myself. Finally, I hear my voice and I have to write, but still I am stopping myself, still I am denying myself a voice. But it has been the fault of this or that, which is wrong. I said to someone the other day if you need to work you will, if you don't it is because you don't want to. Is it because the habit of denial is to strong? Is it fear of what else might have to be learned and accepted? Where is the certainty that I should write, that it might reach people? Can I only listen to my voice if it achieves a certain status? My belief in my writing was my belief in myself. Why do I not believe in myself any more?

Harmony

Do you know what I mean by harmony? For me its beauty, space, peace, the absence of clutter. A spiritual thing, a meditative thing.

When I am working I need to shut the world out, headphones and music. I need to begin with a tidy mind, a tidy desk will give me that. I need cards to play when I want to think.

In my day to day life I like order and harmony, this allows me to move around on auto pilot without bumping into something or breaking something.

I have always been called a day dreamer, but I say I have been writing in my head all my life.

Because we want to

Change is hard, it is easy to get hung up on petty things. Like, I have always done it that way, or I always keep that there. Living alone for some time confirms us in our habits. It can be a strain learning to accommodate another persons habits. However it can be fun negotiating and compromising so long as we ditch the petty things which don't actually effect our day to day living and concentrate on the bigger things.
It also helps to remember why we invited the other to share our life, for the pleasure of their company. For the way they make us laugh, for the love they give us and help us to feel. For the delight of knowing someone knows us and loves us warts and all.

The two faces of technology

Mary found her Mother after  twenty six years through a web site, how wonderful. A couple were unfaithful in thought with their virtual alter egos and destroyed their marriage.

A child is born who is suitable as a bone marrow donor to his older sibling, how amazing.
A child is born who is suitable as a bone marrow donor to his older sibling, how terrifying.

We can detect genetic problems and rectify them in the womb, how wonderful.
Insurance companies are using genetic factors to decide premiums or refuse someone insurance.

Regret

They say we should have no regrets in life, but we do. We regret chances not taken, or chances missed. We regret letting go of important things and holding on to things that don't matter. But we just have to pick ourselves up and carry on, making sure we have learnt our lesson. And try not to be too sad.

Old habits die hard

How do you put new learning into practice? You try to understand what you need in your life. You try to stand firm and insist on your needs. But old habits die hard and it is so easy to slip back into patterns of behaviour that you thought you had left behind. It is one thing to take care of yourself and another to be selfish and not consider another's feelings and needs. All you can do is pick yourself up, try to make amends and be determined not to revert to old patterns of behaviour in the future. Oh and not hate yourself too much for your mistakes.

Love is being a butterfly on a string

Love is resting in the comfort that certainty and trust gives you. Love is feeding each other ideas and getting them back improved. Love is having someone to keep you down to earth. Love is being a butterfly on a string.

Respect yourself

Love is respecting the person you love, having admiration for their accomplishments. Love is trusting the one you love to be true no matter where you are because you know they are committed to you as you are to them. Love is catching up, discovering a slightly different person than the one you knew. Love is an understanding that is almost telepathic, love is a heady mixture of old and new.

Love is also respect for yourself and love for yourself. Love is forgiving your flaws, accepting them. Love is understanding what you need in your life and what you don't need. Love is taking care of yourself, of being who you truly are.

We all need someone to love but we should not need someone to love us, we should love ourselves.

Happiness is.....

Happiness is a warm shared glance with someone who knows you better than you know yourself. With someone who has made a study of your every mood and expression. Happiness is shared jokes and memories. Happiness is feeling loved and loving. Happiness is excitement for the future, and fondness for the past. Happiness is sharing on every level, unselfishly.

Freedom

Freedom is emotional maturity and emotional maturity is freedom.

How do we learn to be emotionally mature? by taking responsibility for our actions. By acknowledging our mistakes. When we see our self truly and love ourselves unconditionally we have no need of another. All choices are made freely without the constraint that need can wrap us in. When we do not need the constant presence of someone to give us an identity, we are truly free.

Emotional maturity allows us to forgive ourselves and others for we are all the same, only the mistakes are different. Always help a fellow traveller if you can but not in a way which impedes your journey.

Each of us has to make their own journey. If we are fortunate we have a companion for some of the way. When we no longer need a mirror to know who we are we are truly free.

  

Travelling

Well there are finally no more obstacles or reasons for me not to go, and I am going to go travelling. I will travel light and write as I go, its the only thing I want to do. So many things that are nearly ready but I must not forget new stuff, I am writing in my head most of the time now. I have a lot I have not listened to which needs to be said. And it is all said when it is written. I have worried all  my life, always been anxious. I will travel with no thought for the future and see where I lead myself. A life's work I think to undo the chains but a worthwhile journey, one with no particular destination.
Heigh ho I guess a garage sale is on the way
Keep you posted

Creativity heals

Hey folks
I believe creativity heals, writing and messing with my pictures is helping me stay cool in this hot weather (sorry that was yesterday). Seriously I love photoshop, just got a full version (yay) only had elements before.

I have plucked up courage to put a few on my Flkr page.

Search

I haven’t been writing for a while and I realise that’s not good. My voice is here, the child is here again and to hear her voice I must write, that’s why I couldn’t write for so long – I denied her voice.—Vicky said when she did that Reiki session that my problem was about communication. I have tried so hard (I thought) to connect with my child and all I had to do was listen to her voice – stopping second guessing her and trusting her. And it feels so good to be writing, it feels natural, no censorship I enjoy it so much—I don’t know what I am writing -It is a stream of consciousness thing – after all the child has had forty years of thinking but has rarely spoken- she has a lot to say – and it may be that I am talking utter rubbish but because it is honest and real it feels like it is Pulitzer prize material – but this honesty is the seed and from it will come work- hurray, hurray- I should have been doing this a long time ago- I have a lot to make up for- but I am not bitter – my journey has made it possible for me to be right where I am right now – happy!

Whether I make money with it or not I know this is something I will do for the rest of my life and at the same time I am healing my child, I am loving her, listening to her and giving her life – how easy it is in the end)

Where have I been?

Well hallo gang

I am raving about the NHS again but for a different reason. Now in need of Mental health Services myself I am appalled at the limited provision.

However, my plans have changed a lot since the last time I spoke. The house sale fell through and although it has just sold there is no money for a boat.

So..............anyone know of a place to rent that's a bit country ish or near water, got to be cheap though.

I am seriously writing again at the moment which is delicious, but less time for weaving and craft.

Looking for opportunities to earn a living through it. But live a very simple life so don't need much dosh. When we live up to our income we become slaves to the MAN. You would be surprised how little you really need. And the freedom is wonderful, I have the time and less stress and am feeling more creative.

Still would have liked my boat but........... joy comes from strange places and the byways can take you to some amazing places. I have learnt an awful lot lately and we should all see experience as positive even if it isn't at the time. At the time it may be terrible but when time has gone by and we reflect we can gain many insights that help us on our journey.

Bye for now