Saturday, September 18, 2010
I am delicate at the moment, I admit it.
I am delicate at the moment, I admit it. I am feeling sensitive and troubled. It's nothing major, I know that. Trying to be positive, need to make more time to daydream. Got to get a routine established and begin working. Got to help myself. What do I want right now? I want to feel like I did a few days ago, when the world was floating along cajoling me along with it. When everything in my world was right and as it should be. Now I feel scared, I know that it is just the emotional child feeling vulnerable, she feels I am silencing her again. Communication has always been my skill and my biggest challenge. When I was a child I denied my self a voice. I kept it all inside in the place where I lived. As an adult I have been a communicator, a teacher and fought to give people a voice. I have treated the world and his dog as I should have treated myself. Finally, I hear my voice and I have to write, but still I am stopping myself, still I am denying myself a voice. But it has been the fault of this or that, which is wrong. I said to someone the other day if you need to work you will, if you don't it is because you don't want to. Is it because the habit of denial is to strong? Is it fear of what else might have to be learned and accepted? Where is the certainty that I should write, that it might reach people? Can I only listen to my voice if it achieves a certain status? My belief in my writing was my belief in myself. Why do I not believe in myself any more?