Saturday, September 18, 2010

I am delicate at the moment, I admit it.

I am delicate at the moment, I admit it. I am feeling sensitive and troubled. It's nothing major, I know that. Trying to be positive, need to make more time to daydream. Got to get a routine established and begin working.  Got to help myself. What do I want right now? I want to feel like I did a few days ago, when the world was floating along cajoling me along with it. When everything in my world was right and as it should be. Now I feel scared, I know that it is just the emotional child feeling vulnerable, she feels I am silencing her again. Communication has always been my skill and my biggest challenge. When I was a child I denied my self a voice. I kept it all inside in the place where I lived. As an adult I have been a communicator, a teacher and fought to give people a voice. I have treated the world and his dog as I should have treated myself. Finally, I hear my voice and I have to write, but still I am stopping myself, still I am denying myself a voice. But it has been the fault of this or that, which is wrong. I said to someone the other day if you need to work you will, if you don't it is because you don't want to. Is it because the habit of denial is to strong? Is it fear of what else might have to be learned and accepted? Where is the certainty that I should write, that it might reach people? Can I only listen to my voice if it achieves a certain status? My belief in my writing was my belief in myself. Why do I not believe in myself any more?

Sunday, September 5, 2010


Do you know what I mean by harmony? For me its beauty, space, peace, the absence of clutter. A spiritual thing, a meditative thing.

When I am working I need to shut the world out, headphones and music. I need to begin with a tidy mind, a tidy desk will give me that. I need cards to play when I want to think.

In my day to day life I like order and harmony, this allows me to move around on auto pilot without bumping into something or breaking something.

I have always been called a day dreamer, but I say I have been writing in my head all my life.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Because we want to

Change is hard, it is easy to get hung up on petty things. Like, I have always done it that way, or I always keep that there. Living alone for some time confirms us in our habits. It can be a strain learning to accommodate another persons habits. However it can be fun negotiating and compromising so long as we ditch the petty things which don't actually effect our day to day living and concentrate on the bigger things.
It also helps to remember why we invited the other to share our life, for the pleasure of their company. For the way they make us laugh, for the love they give us and help us to feel. For the delight of knowing someone knows us and loves us warts and all.